Luahan Perasaan #12: About me...

People have different kinds of life. Some are so fortunate to have their own say and own space in many things. They could argue one moment and be loving and spoilt again the next. It's like, even if there will be arguments and suchlike, and we think our say is right, and they thought their's were right. It's inevitable that people have that kind of thought. I have it too, only that I'm too weak, tired and uninterested to enter in any arguments.

I tend to let people who wants to win, well...win. And I don't feel like I'm losing on anything, because I'm just doing a small favor of shutting my mouth up to make them feel good and superior. Plus, if I were to argue about something seriously, I'm afraid my over the top sarcasm and hurtful words will come out. So it's better to stay out when I can't tame my own sharp tongue.

Being 'the companion' for everyone, I am that great listener even though sometimes when I'm too occupied I hardly respond. Nonetheless, I lent my ears and attention and offer some words that I consider good, or offer support in progressive matters and whatnot. It's not a problem, but sometimes, when I don't know what wrong have I said or done, and suddenly I was given a cold shoulder, I'd feel deeply dejected. Frustration caused by the thought that I will always be there for you when you needed me but when you get angry with me for only-God-knows why, you can ignore me like a useless pile of shit. I'd still accept that, because it's not like we've known each other just yesterday. Always I found that I have also contributed to the frustration, so I'd feel better and forget about it. Or worse enough, felt terribly guilty.

The image, good girl super obedient filial image were plastered to me from head to toe. I am expected to be the most demure girl in town. I am aware that as a young lady, it's crucial for me to remain respectable and avoid flirting. Especially in today's world, where flirting and outing has been the part and parcel of life *which I still personally disagree with girls turning to be like boys nowadays*.

It's even more confusing for me in finding life partner. Being with a not-too-strict family, mum used to say she'll agree to anyone that I like, that I love enough to be with me for the rest of my life. Because the old experience had taught mum so much. She married a man, not a Malay man but a man that spoke the language of Shah Jahan and Amitabh Bachchan, so you can imagine what's the reaction of a traditional Malay family that sums up their disapproval in a simple "dah takde orang Melayu lagi dalam dunia ke?"

It hurts them both, they were happy but life was hard. Because there's no 'restu' form mum's father and mother *grandpa and grandma*.

And now, I guess history was about to repeat itself. I took a liking and naturally attracted to a person, but mum disapproves so much that I think I should just forget it and find all the faults I could in him to make me feel better. Wish me luck :)

Luahan Perasaan #11: Mama, maafkan Nana...

Kenapa nana asyik suka buat mama risau?
Nana minta maaf sangat-sangat. Mungkin permintaan nana terlalu tinggi.
Nana selalu nak buat benda yang nana nak buat.
Kadang-kadang nana bodoh, masih nak jumpa orang yang tidak berbaloi dibuang waktu untuknya.
Alasan nana, kasihan, dia perlukan teman.
Walaupun bila nana tak diperlukan, dia lupakan dan tinggalkan nana.

Kenapalah...mama mesti risau, kenapalah nana ni bodoh dan bendul sangat?
Dalam nak menjaga perasaan sendiri dan perasaan teman-teman samada berbaloi atau tidak, nana dah terlepas pandang. Nana dah menyusahkan hati mama dan mungkin juga melukakan hati mama. Nana 'suka' pada orang yang salah, dan mama jadi risau sebab itu. Nana nak buat benda-benda yang mama sendiri tidak begitu merestui. Kenapa nana macam ni? Kenapa nana bodoh sangat dalam hal-hal ni? Kenapa nana tak boleh lalui hidup macam biasa tanpa teruja dengan perkara-perkara yang nana tergoda untuk melakukannya?

Bilalah agaknya nana nak jadi matang? Sekarang pun boleh~ *nada iklan biskut Jacob's*
Ya, sampai bila nana nak tanya dan mengeluh?
Nana perlu lebih sensitif kepada perasaan mama. Sebab syurga nana ada di tapak kaki mama.
Mama...nana rasa betul-betul bersalah.
Mesti susah mama nak jaga nana kan?
Sejak baba tak ada, mesti mama buntu macam mana nak uruskan nana.
Mama...nana budak yang liar ke?
Nana rasa macam tak, cuma kadang-kadang nana bodoh dan terikut-ikut perbuatan yang tidak betul. Itu yang menjadikan nana liar.
Mama...nana sendiri tak tahu...
Kalau boleh nana nak ada di sisi mama sampai bila-bila.
Supaya mama tahu yang nana selamat dan terjaga, tak liar dan buat benda-benda bodoh yang mama tak suka. Mama...nana tak mahu buat mama risau lagi. Mama...ampunkan nana...restui nana dalam perjalanan sehari-hari. Nana cuba untuk tidak bodoh lagi.

Nana cuma nak lakukan apa yang mama rasa terbaik untuk nana, sebab selalunya nana tak berupaya untuk membuat keputusan yang bijak.

Mama...redha Allah kepada nana terletak kepada redha mama. Mama...janganlah mama menyesal atas semua perkara bodoh yang nana pernah lakukan. Nana yang sepatutnya menyesal dan selalu berhati-hati agar tidak menyusahkan hati mama lagi. Hinanya seorang anak yang mentah untuk mencabar perasaan ibunya, apatah lagi apabila bapa yang selama ini menjaganya bagai menatang minyak yang penuh sudah tidak ada lagi untuk menyediakan teduhan selamat yang memisahkannya dari dunia luar.

Mama, kalau berada di sisi mama dapat menghapus risau mama, dapat mengindahkan lagi syurga untuk nana, dapat menenangkan hati mama, nana ingin berada di sisi mama untuk selamanya. Sampai kepada saranan mama yang seterusnya. Nana sedar, bukan kepala sendiri yang penting, tetapi restu dari orang tua itulah yang mungkin dapat menjamin kebahagiaan hidup :)

[PART 3] I screwed up

Today, should be the last day before I could say I've been in for the internship for 2 weeks.
Sounds so like beating around the bush right?
Why can't I say it in a simpler way.
"Tomorrow I'm officially 2 weeks as a practical training student"
Isn't that easier to fathom?

Today I screwed up, I screwed up my part in the vox pop.
What is vox pop? Google it. I don't wanna elaborate.
We were supposed to find random people and interview them.
Extracting opinions from their brilliant minds whatever~
It's about health issue, obviously.
Because Thalassaemia doesn't give a promising outcome, I changed to Diabetes.
And it turn out...it sucks.
Sucks out my soul.
Every question turned out to be the same, um I mean, bearing the same answer.
With and without realizing I continued doing it over and over again without changing anything or trying to make it better.
It's a template that is being said by everyone, and that is not a good work.

The questions, how can I be so careless.
I left one of the most important part.
WHAT is the outcome of Diabetes?
WHO are the people that are likely to get this?
WHY do people get Diabetes?
WHEN will Diabetes attack a person?
HOW to curb this problem?

I felt like a pile of shit the first moment, but then again, if I didn't make this mistake, I wouldn't realize.
I know Mr. Producer will not be happy with this, I'm sorry to be such a slow snail.
I just hope I could improve and be a lot more quick-witted and react to stuffs as timely as it should be.
Like I've said before, I don't have that 'Dare to Fail' or 'Whatever' attitude when I do something wrong.
It will haunt me like the biggest tsunami coming my way.
Okay I'm exaggerating.
Maybe because I'm just that jerk that can't accept myself doing the wrong thing.
So I screwed up my mind.
Hey, manusia memang la buat salah, kalau dah sedar tu ubahlah *monolog dalaman*

The vox pop, mine turned out to be super horrid.
Super duper ultra kilomegagigaterrabyte awful.
I wanna do it again.
I wish I can do it again.
Lucky we got another one this Saturday.
Hurm.

It's true, I should've been more humble.
I should've asked more, no matter who they are.
Sis are right, she told me
"You can show me any of your questions anytime, because sometimes we ourselves couldn't see the weakness in our work because we are too engrossed/too isolated in our own world"

Yeah, you are right sis, I forgot this one important aspect that you are one of my best mentor in studying, making questions, making draft for essays and whatnot.
This important aspect, I forgot.
And I screwed up today.
But in the end, the greater gifts are to know that I screwed up,
And to appreciate everyone around me, rekindle the old times
No matter how far I go, no matter how old I grow
I am still the baby of the house.
And I am still very green in my journey to make a base in this world.

I know I have to walk by myself now.
But please, be the light that is standing faithfully by the roadside,
So that I could see a better view
And stand beside the shining ray when I am afraid of the dark...


Ya Allah...rahmatilah hamba-Mu ini dan jadikanlah hari-hari mendatangku lebih baik dari hari-hari yang sebelumnya. Terangi hati hamba-Mu ini seperti hati para rasul-Mu. Kuatkan dan tabahkan hati aku dalam menangkis gelora sendiri. Dekatkanlah hatiku kepada ilmu, berikanlah aku semangat yang dahagakan pengetahuan sehingga aku tidak berasa lelah dan beralah bila menemui kegagalan. Dekatkanlah hatiku dengan-Mu, agar dengan itu ianya tidak berasa begitu susah bila dicuit ujian-Mu...


Amin...  

[PART 1] I screwed up

I screwed up, seriously. 
Sometimes I wonder the reason I'm here. I don't like this but I'm doing it. Do you know the feeling? You will have the feeling of being afraid of not being able to perform well. Because you're doing it for other people. You don't have a passion in it. You're afraid to lose, and you don't want to lose. Because once you're broken you feel like it could not be repaired. You'll feel worthless. You found that this was all a nightmare, huge nightmare.


You're here because you are afraid. You are afraid to make a choice because of the first failure. You don't wanna taste the feeling again. You forgot that life always offers you the second chance, as long as you're still breathing the air of the earth, you always have unlimited chances to grab. There's so many road, there's so many path. You just don't know where to go, because for some reason, some paths are being closed down. Like you're just not the right candidate to walk there. You might not have that Einstein and Edison brain to go there so the path was locked in front of your face. You have other choices, which you see as uninteresting stuffs and you are rather choosy. You don't what to do, you don't want to take the wrong path. And you sought the people you trust because that is the best choice you could make right now.


You choose, you went to interview, you impress the panel, you were accepted, you were happy because you are one step ahead to make your mum happy. And everyone else. 


You wouldn't feel this when you went to the interview of the course that you choose, the course that you love. Because you feel like you're completely honest about it. You like it, but you can only do so much. You don't try to impress the judges, you believe with the genuine passion that you have, you're gonna make it. If you're accepted, it's like winning the biggest jackpot, and the feeling might be like marrying the man you loved most. The journey might not be perfect, but because of the love you'd endure everything. You'd take up any fall, and you'll be up on your feet again. Anything that happens no matter how bad, won't ever stop you, and will never bring you to the deepest well of grieve. 


But when you do it for other people, the burden that you have to carry is enormous enough to cause you many sleepless nights. You do it, you strive it, you try, you endure all the hard ways. You tell yourself to love it. You ought not to make any mistake, for you will be terribly depressed. At this point, you feel like you can't get up if you fall. You're going to remain motionless should you fell in the deepest well, or even just falling on the flat ground. The pain, you're not carrying your own pain, but the others. You are carrying the hope of others, not yours. It's worst than marrying someone you don't know. It's like marrying someone you hate but loved by your family. You have to impress and do the best without any passion. You're just a mannequin. Nothing more nothing less. Everything you do doesn't give you any satisfaction. Even though you constantly tell yourself to love it, your heart can't lie. It keeps bleeding unseen blood. And everyone saw you as a perfect figure. Perfect, you can do everything. It is so surprising that you can do something you don't like. You can perform something that won't have any place in your heart... you won't be able to if it's not because other's hope on you. 

Luahan Perasaan #10: Bila hati & otak berkata-kata

It's not gonna be long sebelum aku tercampak di luar sana.
Macam tak percaya, Jun 2009 rasa macam baru bulan lepas.
Dulu boring sangat nak sambung belajar, dah la bukan kursus pilihan hati.
Tapi pergi juga sebab dah tak ada pilihan.
Selepas STPM cuma ada universiti, tak ada yang lain.
Yakin bahawa pilihan Mama adalah terbaik.
Dan aku jalani hari-hariku dengan serba biasa.
Aku tidak teruja dalam fotografi, tidak teruja dengan penggambaran dan sebagainya.
Tapi aku belajar, dan dah banyak perkara aku ketahui,
Yang aku mungkin takkan ketahui kalau aku tak masuk kursus ini.

Cuma, lama kelamaan, aku mula rasa sedikit suka
Tapi secara selektif saja. Aku suka penulisan skrip
Dan aku suka subjek directing. Aku pun jadi teringin nak buat video yang best.
Belum kesampaian lagi. Nak beli kamera, harga lebih rm2000.
Nak kata tak ada duit tu tipulah, cuma bukan duit hasil titik peluh sendiri.
Maka asyik terfikir-fikir.
Patutkah aku beli sekarang? Boroskah? Menyesalkah aku nanti?
Bersediakah aku? Berbaloikah?
Patutkah aku tunggu sehingga aku benar2 mampu dalam erti kata sebenar?
Banyak sangat.

Tengok kawan2 buat bisnes sendiri, jual perfume, contact lens,
Jual kain, jual baju, dan usaha mereka berbayar.
Best, tulah, sapa suruh diri ni pemalas sangat?
Entahlah...entahlah...aku sendiri tak ada jawapannya.
Aku tak tahu nak jual apa, hahaha~
Aku selalu rasa macam dah cukup duduk rumah tolong Mama dan online.
Padahal banyak lagi yang patut aku usahakan.
Ada juga terfikir nak bela ayamlah, nak jual telurlah
Hahaha padahal bukan ada rumah ladang pun.
Hm tulah manusia, cepat putus asa.
Cepat buat alasan untuk semua perkara
*merujuk diri sendiri*

Minggu ini sahaja aku ada sebagai seorang student yang ada cuti sem sume
Lepas tu? Ketidakpastian.
Pernah sekali aku berharap yang ada orang akan suruh aku tunggu.
Tetapi itu juga tidak kesampaian.
Tak apalah, mungkin ada yang lebih baik telah direncanakan Allah swt...
Yang penting, haruslah aku melaksanakan ini dengan terbaik.
Agar semua ini akan berakhir dengan khabar yang menggembirakan.
InsyaAllah.

Kepada semua rakan yang akan menjalani latihan industri, semoga berjaya.
Semoga kita berjumpa dengan wajah2 yang gembira sewaktu hari konvokesyen nanti.
Dan semoga ini akan menjadikan kita lebih dewasa.

:)

[NUKILAN] Somewhere in the maze...

Somewhere in the maze,

Were some beautiful cloud, flower and haze.

Somewhere in the maze,

Ivy sprouts and touched thy face.

Somewhere in the maze,

Rocks and thorns slowed thy pace.

And some parts of the maze,

Wakes thyself, telling not to laze.

Somewhere in the maze,

I found paintings of portraits and still lifes.

And somewhere in the maze,

I pricked myself through poking thorns of the roses.

Somewhere in the maze,

I hear beautiful tunes of 'em birds that flew by.

Somewhere in the maze,

I fell asleep and dreamt

That I would wake up to your gentle touch

and not be left alone again

somewhere in the maze.

Aanya, 21st Feb 2012

Tanpa tajuk

Aku sedang mengemas folder yang ada dalam laptopku ini. Dan aku menemukan secebis penulisan yang telah aku karang mungkin lebih kurang bulan Mac tahun lalu. Waktu itu aku sedang ghairah dengan subjek Editorial Page dan apa sahaja yang bermain di benakku pasti akan ditukar menjadi suatu hamparan pendapat yang panjang. Tetapi pada hari ini kerana aku ingin mengemas kandungan laptopku, aku berhasrat untuk padam sahaja cebisan itu. Bila difikirkan sayang pula jika tidak dikongsi, maka aku pun berhasrat untuk berkongsi di sini. Gaya tulisku memang kadangkala menyinggung perasaan yang menyakitkan hati, tetapi kamu tidak dapat mengawal itu, jika suka baca, jika tak suka, boleh lupakan. 


Tulisan ini tidak bertajuk. Ia hanyalah seakan luahan perasaan tentang persekitaran.


The culture of acknowledging people have fade away right? It is not common to see people who exchange glances would smile. We are too afraid to smile, too stiff to move that sweet muscle. We can only smile to people whom we knew, our friends, old acquaintance, family. How about those people that we spent our time together waiting for the bus to come? How about those people that you met while choosing which fish to buy? We are too busy to care, too busy to give the simplest greeting, a smile.

Do you know that by smiling to a person could mean the opening of a new friendship? Do you know that by asking for help, or offering a little help makes our life filled with humanly quality. Because we can't live alone in this world, and to be precise, we are not living alone in a deserted place without anybody around us. We are here, living with every other living like us, humans they are. We need each other presence to go on with our daily lives. If Malaysia doesn't have any fisherman, from where do we get our daily supply of fish? Should Malaysia have no farmers at all, from where do we get our staple food, rice? Basically, we are all together progressing our own lives, that deals with everybody else as well.

The main purpose of my writing here is not to go on saying about how everybody depends on everybody. That would surely took me thousands of years to describe it. However, I would like to narrow down my article on one particular aspect, using the Malay peribahasa "Ikut resmi padi semakin berisi semakin tunduk." Are we practising it now? Do we ever embrace the meaning behind the peribahasa to enrich our lives? Yes? No? We'll see.

I am a student of a public university in this country, my beloved Malaysia. Malaysia that always have me sighing happily when the regular W12 bus driver waited for me running all the way from Federal Bakery. Malaysia that always have me smiling to hear "aiya leng lui, mari-mari tengok ini barang, baik punya". Malaysia, as it had been more than 10 years ago, when my age was 2 times younger than now. I had never imagined that I could feel this frustrated when I get to be a young adult.

I always heard of advices saying how important it is for us to study hard, to compete in the market, to earn more money, to get good status, and what has been the dream of every high school teenagers, is to flung the mortar board to the air while holding their hard earned scroll. It is all that dreams and advices, that sends a school leaver to pursue a higher education. The day we received an offer letter from one of the universities that we applied, might be the happiest day for many. The whole family are happy to get to see the pillar of hope for the family finally could be called a "mahasiswa".

We make the most perfect preparations, everything needed to be brand new, from head to toe, new clothes, shoes, toiletries, bags etc. The young minds are filled with resolutions to be the best student among the best. But we don't realize, do we? Starting from the age around 10, children are never expected to have great manners, to possess excellent moral values. We are too busy pushing them to study and be the school's top student, to enter the university, study and be rich. That's our main focus.

The result? Manual workers are not respected by students although they are a lot older than us. Bus drivers that take us back and forth to class are not thanked. We hate the cleaners who took our empty plates to the basin, yet we had never make any effort to put it ourselves. We step so casually on wet clean floors that had just been mopped a while ago, no apology stated. We make fun of the security guards. We hate them for doing their work.

Students have the mentality that our social class is higher than those people who are closely involved in our lives. We make barriers not to talk to people who are from the "low standard". We think highly of ourselves; smart alecs that are going to be professionals one day, that everything is going to be great all the way. We dream big, we mingle only with friends of similar backgrounds. We throw away moral values, humanity, and love for others.

Where has the beautiful Malay poetic advice of "ikut resmi padi semakin berisi semakin tunduk" been thrown? Isn't it better to be formally educated and possess good manners rather than becoming such a snob. Just imagine, if there is no one to take care of the toilet, are you willing to do it? If all the security guards took a year of leave, do you feel safe in the institution with everybody breaking the rules happily? If there is no one mopping the floor of your faculty for a month, would you do it to make the place look more presentable? If all the bus drivers who always drive you to class quit their job, are you going to arrive on time?

These are all the things that we fail to process in our brain. We fail to realize that these people are those who are willing to do things that we would not want to do, yet we are not thankful. We are too busy projecting the high image of ourselves. But do we realize that if we do good to others, good things will come to us? Life is a karma, we treat people the way we want to be treated. Of course you might say that you're not going to be a security guard but how can you be so sure about the future?

Being a university student is not the greatest thing in the world. It is just a stepping stone before we leap to the outside world. Thus, I recommend all of us, students to "ikut resmi padi semakin berisi semakin tunduk, jangan diikut resmi jagung semakin berisi semakin cekang". It may sounds lame but I'm sure many of us had forgotten this beautiful piece of advice that we had heard since a very long time ago.  

Luahan Hati Hamba

Masalah.
Cabaran.
Dugaan.
Kesilapan.

Itu semua yang menjadikan manusia lebih dewasa. Bolehkah kita sentiasa melarikan diri agar tidak bertemu dengan sebarang masalah? Jika tiada masalah, tiada apa yang perlu diselesaikan. Jika tiada apa yang perlu diselesaikan, kemahiran berfikir menjadi terbatas. Tiada kemajuan yang dapat dilaksanakan. Semuanya sudah serba baik, serba kena gitu.

Sampai bila kita boleh memastikan seseorang selamat di sisi kita? Pemergian ayahanda 8 tahun lepas telah mengejutkan hamba dari mimpi yang panjang. Selalu hamba katakan bahawa hamba take for granted setiap saat yang ada, hamba take for granted bahawa keluarga hamba akan sentiasa ada bersama hamba tak kiralah apa pun. Maka hamba buat perangai ikut suka hati hamba, ayahanda ajak tengok televisyen bersama, hamba lebih senang main computer games. Ayahanda minta tolong hamba di dapur, hamba lengah-lengah hingga ayahanda sendiri yang melaksanakan semuanya. Ayahanda pinjam RM5 hamba, hamba tuduh ayahanda nak beli rokok, padahal hamba sendiri tak tahu, sehingga sekali itu ayahanda naik marah. Hamba menyesal, hamba tidak melayan ayahanda seperti layaknya seorang anak melayan ayahandanya yang tercinta. Satu malam, bila ayahanda sudah tidak bernafas lagi di atas tikar sejadahnya, hamba terjaga. Hamba terjaga dari mimpi yang panjang. Ayahanda sudah menyahut seruan Ilahi. Izrail telah menjemput ayahanda seperti mana yang telah ditetapkan Allah subhanahuwataala. Dengan rahmat dan kasih sayang-Nya yang agung, Dia telah mengambil kembali ayahanda hamba yang hamba selalu tidak begitu menghargai. Ayahanda tidak ada bersama hamba lagi. Hamba tidak akan dapat mendengar lagi sahutannya jika hamba memanggil di kala malam sudah terlalu tua, seperti kelaziman yang hamba lakukan apabila hamba tidak dapat tidur.

Hamba terkesima. Hamba seperti tidak percaya. Baru hamba sedar hakikat hidup hamba yang bukan selama-lamanya bersandar pada pohon yang utuh dan melindungi. Satu hari apabila pohon itu telah tua dan mati, penyandaran hamba sudah tiada lagi. Pemergian ayahanda hamba tidak membuatkan hamba hilang akal, alhamdulillah, syukur pada Allah pada saat itu hamba sudah mengerti dan sedar bahawa setiap yang bernyawa pasti akan merasai mati, dan kehilangan seseorang yang amat bermakna dalam hidup bukan untuk ditangisi selamanya, tetapi untuk hamba jadikan tauladan dan mula menghargai kesemua orang kesayangan hamba yang masih bernafas menghirup udara yang sama seperti hamba, yakni orang-orang yang masih hidup.

Apakah kaitan ini semua kalian tanya? Hamba lupa pula cerita.

Dahulu, ayahanda hamba seorang yang sangat protektif. Setiap hari jalan kaki ambil hamba di sekolah kerana kereta dibawa oleh ibunda ke tempat kerjanya. Bila-bila ibunda hamba bercuti, pasti kereta itu dibawa oleh ayahanda ke sekolah untuk mengambil hamba. Pernah sekali sewaktu dalam sekolah rendah, hamba didenda kerana tak siap kerja Pendidikan Seni. Kena jahit insang pari, perkara yang hamba langsung tak tahu, malas pula tu. Dendanya, golongan yang tidak siap kerja ini harus meninggalkan kasut di sekolah. Baliklah kau ke rumah berkaki ayam. Kawan-kawan hamba yang senasib dengan hamba (kebanyakannya lelaki) merayu-rayu cikgu memulangkan kasut. Hamba malas nak merayu, hamba pun terus balik. Di pertengahan jalan, seperti biasa ayahanda hamba menunggu. Dia lalu memberikan seliparnya kepada hamba, padahal jalan pada waktu itu amat panas kerana baru di'tar'.

Ayahanda hamba sangat manjakan hamba. Kelakuan hamba yang jelik tak pernah dimarahi. Hamba mesti selalu dilindungi, begitulah pemikirannya. Akhirnya dia tetap tidak dapat lagi melindungi hamba. Kerana dia telah dijemput 'pulang ke kampung halaman'. Sebab itulah ibunda pernah berkata kepada ayahanda:

"Biarkanlah dia berdikari, berjalan sendiri."

"Eh mana boleh, mana boleh biaq dia jalan sorang2. Kita mesti kena jaga dia."

"Habis kalau u dah tak ada nanti, dia kena juga cari jalan dia sendiri."

. . . . . . . . . . . .
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Tapi...
Sekarang perkara yang sama sedang berlaku lagi. Mama pun sudah jadi overprotective. :(
Benarkanlah Nana berdepan dengan masalah, benarkanlah Nana drive seorang diri, parking entah macam mana, menghadapi masalah bila nak gohed gostan. Benarkanlah...*tak dapat diluahkan di sini*. Kesannya, sampai sekarang Nana takut untuk keluar bersama kawan, takut untuk meminta keizinan. Takut tiba-tiba perkara dahulu akan berulang. Ada luka dalam hati Nana, kalaulah Mama tahu. Luka itu tidak sembuh, tetapi Nana sudah lali dengan rasanya. Boleh kata sembuhlah macam itu ya?

Nana tahu Mama risau, bukan senang nak menjaga anak perempuan. Nana tahu Mama lakukan itu semua demi kebaikan Nana. Mama mahu melindungi Nana yang masih budak dan mentah. Tetapi itu dulu Mama, sekarang Nana sudah separuh masak. Nana harap Nana diberi lebih kepercayaan. Tapi terima kasih Mama. Disebabkan kisah kita ini Nana sudah dapat idea nak buat satu cerita. Mmuah, I love you Mama XD

Rapikkan di malam hari

Alhamdulillah~~~
Kenyang sungguh makan nasi goreng dengan sambal kupang dari pasar malam ni.
Eh? Yeyyy aku kat rumahhhhh~
Rindu weh, ini menu kegemaran sebelum pasar malam ditutup hari tu.
Hohoh, lepas sudah, tak la kempunan kan~

Tadi exam intermarketing (International Marketing)
Waaa...kegorengan melampau.
Mesti macam psiko tengok aku jawab penuh tekun nonstop.
Keluar awal pula tu~ *dush*
Tapi hampir semua jawapan bantai goreng.
Yang yakin cuma yang soalan 5 markah tu, alahai...
Aku harap lulus lah subjek ni...

Datang exam tadi dengan Ros, kawan baru aku, hehe
Ros ni baik sangat, asyik offer nak tumpangkan aku.
Sampai aku naik segan pula nak tunggu dia habis exam tadi
Takut dia offer nak hantar aku ke perhentian bas pula sebab aku nak balik.
Tak baik susahkan orang tahu?
Jadi aku keluar awal tadi, meluru jalan kaki ke seksyen 2~

Seperti biasa bila naik LRT tu memang semampatnya sampai Wangsa Maju, semua turun.
Tak kasi chance aku nak rasa relax sikit duduk dalam tren tu, sebab aku pun turun stesen ni, adoi
Sampai kat KLCC, Ampang Park, Damai, Dato' Keramat, Jelatek, Setiawangsa, Sri Rampai aku harap sangat orang turun berduyun-duyun, tapi hampeh, semua stay dalam.
Haish...nak buat macamana kan~
#%^$&^%*&E%@

Aku nak lepak di rumah sampai Sabtu, pastu pergi S.A. balik.
Berapa hari ni otak tepu sangat.
Memula study OrgComm, habis je study CBS, habis je CBS dah hilang momentum study marketing
Tapi cuba sedaya upaya juga walaupun asyik tertidur dan didatangi pelbagai dugaan dan cubaan~
Lagi sekali periksa hari Isnin, hari ini AKU TAK MAHU STUDY APA-APA

SEKIAN~

Luahan Perasaan #9: Tolonglah sayang, tolong sangat-sangat...

Maka sebermulanya aku telah mengakhiri sesi berpoya-poya, dan aku buka kembali untuk menghantar contoh dokumen kepada rakan dan oh aku telah mendapat pesanan ringkas melalui telefon bimbit. Oh baiklah ini merupakan hal projek BESAR itu lagi. Aku tahu pekerjaan di luar sana adalah lebih tertekan sehinggakan kau boleh tumbuh rambut putih hampir seluruh kepala dalam satu malam. Tapi sekarang ini pada aku tekanan yang aku dapat ialah besar ni

Ya memang aku exaggerate. Tapi hakikatnya itulah yang bersarang pada aku bila dalam satu hari semuanya macam "pap hambek kau"

Aku tahu aku tak patut merungut lebih dan aku patut bersabar dan aku perlu menghadapi semua ini dengan senyuman dan pelbagai lagi nasihat berbakul-bakul yang seringkali aku juga lontarkan kepada orang yang tertekan tetapi sekarang aku tak mahu itu semua ok? Aku mahu conteng dinding ini dengan dakwat sotong paling kotor dan telah bersarang dalam kepalaku 

Tolong la bukanlah aku tak mahu buat yang terbaik ke apa tapi aku dah concentrate macam apa untuk projek kita dan aku sangka semuanya dah selesai. Ok fine, kita kena buat balik tapi this time boleh bagi aku time off tak? Korang suka ikut production team kan? Boleh tak korang yang pergi dan jangan persoalkan aku? Kerja aku yang tergendala tu semua pun aku nak siapkan. Maaf kalau kedengaran selfish tapi aku assume yang waktu postproduction, semua whatsoever kerja cari orang tu semua, korang dah buat apa yang korang nak buat, sebab waktu-waktu tu korang tak ada. Kali ni please sayang, please for the sake of our group?

For the sake of our group, and for the sake of me. Tipulah kalau aku tulis benda ni takda langsung pasal kepentingan sendiri kan? Cuma nak mengharapkan korang pulak kali ini, sebab aku fikir aku dah buat "for the sake of our group" dalam masa 5 hari tu dan kali ni, ini sahaja yang aku merayu. Please. Please. Please.

I love you.

Luahan Perasaan #8: Aku, tudung dan ...

Aku sedang menelaah pelajaran sebenarnya, tetapi tiba-tiba saja entah kenapa aku terpanggil untuk menulis entri ini pula. Hm, oh ya tidaklah tiba-tiba sangat sebenarnya. Ianya timbul setelah aku membelek rambut rosak sambil menyapu krim Pantene.

Belek depan cermin, tengah-tengah malam pula. Mungkin juga syaitan datang membisikkan untuk terfikir yang riak-riak, untuk menganggap diri cantik. Oh...maka aku terfikir,

"Kalau aku tidak bertudung, mesti aku jadi seorang perempuan 'hot' gitu"

Eh tak beriman sungguh pemikiran itu kan? Sudah aku bilang tadi syaitan itu berbisik kepadaku. Tapi memang aku terfikir itu. Lagipun imanku pun masih senipis kulit bawang, mungkin lebih nipis lagi.

Di sini inginlah aku kongsikan perasaan yang pernah melanda diri aku. Sekali lagi aku ingatkan, jangan terkejut, kalau terkejut pun buat-buat tak terkejut.

Aku tahu aku nampak macam lembik, macam senang dipergunakan, macam baik, macam bodoh-bodoh kononnya suci kononnya 'innocent' orang putih bilang. Aku tahu itu semua, kamu tak payah beritahu, kerana memang aku dah dengar ini semua

"Eh tak percayalah kau pergi karaoke"

"Eh, kau marah ke?"

"Eh kau mana boleh dengar ni semua, kau baik."

"Eh kau buatkanlah ni, kami tak tahu. Kau tahu."

"Wah dah pandai mekap."

"Wah dah pandai pakai tumit tinggi."

Sampai aku dah tak tahu nak kata apa. =.=" Layankan sajalah tak gitu?

Okay, berbalik kepada cerita asal. Sebenarnya aku nak cakap pasal tudung tadi tapi dah termeraban entah apa-apa. Oh abaikan rapikan itu semua. Ingat, kalau terkejut pura-pura tak terkejut.

Semasa aku baru menjejakkan kaki ke alam universiti, mengambil jurusan Komunikasi Massa, aku akui aku juga mengalami sedikit kejutan budaya. Kenapa? Pada masa itu yang aku nampak semuanya perempuan dan lelaki yang melawa. Cantik-cantik, melaram, up-to-date dan sebagainya. Walhal kadang-kadang bukan up-to-date sangat pun, kelihatan begitu mungkin kerana mereka pandai menggayakannya.

Hati kecil aku kadang-kadang berbisik "eh, rasa nak buka tudunglah, lawa sikit."

Itu perkara paling aku kesali kerana pernah terfikirkan.

Tapi pada masa itu aku terfikir sahaja, kerana apa? Kerana aku mahu jadi 'in', fikir aku pun bukannya baik sangat. Pakai tudung nampak macam baik, alim padahal ilmu agama jauh ketinggalan di belakang. Semua itu datang ke dalam fikiranku.

Aku selalu dikritik

"Eh kau tak reti pakai tudung eh?"

"Eh kau baru pakai tudung ke?"

Itu semua juga membuat aku rasa semakin ingin menanggalkan tudung itu. Paling teruk pun sekitar kolej memang aku buat. Aku menyesal juga, oh tapi itu semua sudah berlalu.

Entah waktu bila satu kekuatan menyusup ke dalam diri aku. Tiba-tiba sahaja aku ada sebuah benteng jatidiri. Aku sendiri terkejut. Tidaklah jadi alim dan solehah ya amat, tetapi cukuplah sekadar untuk mengukuhkan kakiku di atas sebuah benteng tanpa menghiraukan lagi kata-kata orang. Orang pun dah penat berkata, aku sedar. Memang betullah pesan ibu dan arwah ayah

"Sesiapa mengata kita biarkan sahaja mereka. Kekallah kita menjadi diri sendiri selagi ianya benar. Lambat laun mulut mereka akan penat juga, dan kamu bisa aman."

Maka hari ini, bila aku ternampakkan hamba Allah yang sememangnya bertudung tetapi tiba-tiba menanggalkannya, aku tidak boleh dan tidak dapat menyalahkan mereka. Kerana aku juga pernah melalui perasaan dan keadaan genting itu. Godaan ke arah yang terkesimpangan memang mudah diikuti, sukar diperangi. Aku percaya bahawa punca terbesar ialah persekitaran, mungkin juga dorongan rakan. Itu semua boleh menjadikan individu bertukar haluan. Aku cuma berharap mereka akan menemui kembali benteng jatidiri mereka yang telah terbina lantas mengukuhkannya.

Isu seterusnya ialah, bertudung yang didiskriminasi. Sesetengah tawaran pekerjaan menjadikan tudung sebagai alasan. Nampak sangat tak mahu memberi peluang kepada Melayu Islam di Malaysia. Kenapa tudung harus dijadikan ukuran? Sehelai tudung tidak akan menjadikan orang pandai itu bodoh, sehelai tudung tidak akan menghilangkan pancaindera serta 5 deria yang akan digunakan. Sehelai tudung tidak akan memalukan sebuah syarikat.

Apakah alasan mereka? Tudung, kolotkah?

Kenapa tudung kepala wanita Islam sering diperkotak-katikkan sedangkan turban masyarakat Sikh boleh dihormati? Tidak pernah itu menjadi isu besar, tidakkah kamu sedar?

Kenapa tudung kepala wanita Islam selalu menjadikan dia dipinggir sedangkan dia juga mempunyai rambut cuma ianya terlindung?

Kenapa tudung kepala wanita Islam menjadikan dia mungkin tidak diterima bekerja di sesetengah organisasi? Adakah kelayakan bekerja di syarikat itu hanya memerlukan pemakaian tertentu, barulah kerja dapat berjalan jika begitu, iyakah?

Keterlaluankah jika saya simpulkan keadaan sebegini sebenarnya menunjukkan sesetengah organisasi yang bersikap sebegitu sebenarnya tidak melihat kepada akal dan otak dalam mengambil pekerja, cukuplah dengan rambut mengurai dan skirt paras lutut, semua kerja boleh jadi.

Luahan Perasaan #7: Buddies

Listening to: Karma - Cokelat

Oh, it's great to have great people around you.
Like, for example, best buddies no matter what.
Buddies, when they are together, they can work it all out.
Through thick and thin.
They are willing to shed blood for the sake of their buddy.
That's how strong their connection is.
Buddies, even when they are the laziest on earth.
But when they are together, the laziest will eventually start up their engine and work.
That's the wonder of buddies relationship.

So a question came up.
What if another person came tumbling upon this buddies?
And have to work together?
Buddies will naturally team up to their fullest~
To be the laziest and there's nothing more to worry about.
Buddies...
This is an ode to buddies...
TT_____TT

Luahan Perasaan #6: Insensitivity...

I was too emotional.
All I know is to tell how I feel.
All I know is to let this wall stained with my unsightly stories.
In actual, I have to admit this.
I was just jealous.
I was jealous because I thought we have feelings for each other.
I was jealous because I thought she's the cause for everything to wreck.
I was jealous.
It's hard to admit but somehow it's true.

But then, when I think again...
I just didn't know him well, and
I just didn't know her well.
I just know about myself.
I just don't know whether they were really match made in heaven.
I just don't know...and
I just don't know whether or not he is for me, and
Whether or not he is for her, and
Whether or not he'll be with someone else.

No matter how small this world may seem.
It isn't as small as this campus.
We are all going to that huge world outside.
And meet various kinds of people.
And when we are there.
We can't be sure whether we'll meet again or not.
We can't be sure that we are going to love like we do now.
It's all uncertain, real uncertain.
And because of that, I felt kind of...stupid.
I felt stupid because I have expectation.
I felt stupid, real stupid because I hate her.
I felt stupid for hating them.

Hatred is the worst feeling could ever happen in your heart.
It's the blackest acrylic you could paint in your canvas.
It's the dirtiest home to come back to.
It's the ugliest view of a picture.
It's worse than the stench of a corpse.

It's delighting to see everyone happy.
Especially my family and friends.
Thus...
I just hope that they can be as happy as before :)

Keluh kesah #1

Gulpz...macamana ni? Aku tak pandai flirting dan aku juga mudah malu kalau diusik.

Yadaaa....kenapa kenapa kenapa??? Aku tak suka la macam ni. Kalau nak usik2 aku pun bila aku takda kat situ boleh tak?? Sekarang kan aku dah takut nak jumpa kau, bukannya aku suka kau pun tapi entahlah aku benci kena usik2 ni benciiiiii~

Aku pasti aku lagi tua daripada ngko tapi kerana kependekkan aku yang tak mampu diubah lagi aku pulak yang macam terlebih-lebih vulnerable padahal aku pangkat kakak ngko k! (mungkin la sebab aku rasa ngko lagi muda)

So pweashe pweashe pweashe jgn la kacau2 aku atau benarkan kawan2 ko mengaco aku rimas tau, at least kalau ko berborak nak tanya khabar ke apa ke tak la teruk sangat ni aku macam org bodoh kat depan tu dan kau senyum2 simpul adoiiii, kwn kat sebelah ko pulak nak wat bunyi2an perosak alam tu dah kenapa? Eish...

Harap2 sangat2 makcik yang duduk kat gerai tu kalau si rambut oren mati la aku~