[PART 1] I screwed up

I screwed up, seriously. 
Sometimes I wonder the reason I'm here. I don't like this but I'm doing it. Do you know the feeling? You will have the feeling of being afraid of not being able to perform well. Because you're doing it for other people. You don't have a passion in it. You're afraid to lose, and you don't want to lose. Because once you're broken you feel like it could not be repaired. You'll feel worthless. You found that this was all a nightmare, huge nightmare.


You're here because you are afraid. You are afraid to make a choice because of the first failure. You don't wanna taste the feeling again. You forgot that life always offers you the second chance, as long as you're still breathing the air of the earth, you always have unlimited chances to grab. There's so many road, there's so many path. You just don't know where to go, because for some reason, some paths are being closed down. Like you're just not the right candidate to walk there. You might not have that Einstein and Edison brain to go there so the path was locked in front of your face. You have other choices, which you see as uninteresting stuffs and you are rather choosy. You don't what to do, you don't want to take the wrong path. And you sought the people you trust because that is the best choice you could make right now.


You choose, you went to interview, you impress the panel, you were accepted, you were happy because you are one step ahead to make your mum happy. And everyone else. 


You wouldn't feel this when you went to the interview of the course that you choose, the course that you love. Because you feel like you're completely honest about it. You like it, but you can only do so much. You don't try to impress the judges, you believe with the genuine passion that you have, you're gonna make it. If you're accepted, it's like winning the biggest jackpot, and the feeling might be like marrying the man you loved most. The journey might not be perfect, but because of the love you'd endure everything. You'd take up any fall, and you'll be up on your feet again. Anything that happens no matter how bad, won't ever stop you, and will never bring you to the deepest well of grieve. 


But when you do it for other people, the burden that you have to carry is enormous enough to cause you many sleepless nights. You do it, you strive it, you try, you endure all the hard ways. You tell yourself to love it. You ought not to make any mistake, for you will be terribly depressed. At this point, you feel like you can't get up if you fall. You're going to remain motionless should you fell in the deepest well, or even just falling on the flat ground. The pain, you're not carrying your own pain, but the others. You are carrying the hope of others, not yours. It's worst than marrying someone you don't know. It's like marrying someone you hate but loved by your family. You have to impress and do the best without any passion. You're just a mannequin. Nothing more nothing less. Everything you do doesn't give you any satisfaction. Even though you constantly tell yourself to love it, your heart can't lie. It keeps bleeding unseen blood. And everyone saw you as a perfect figure. Perfect, you can do everything. It is so surprising that you can do something you don't like. You can perform something that won't have any place in your heart... you won't be able to if it's not because other's hope on you.