The thought of losing someone you love is unbearable. Separation and death is two different things. When you are separated with your loved ones, you can always call to check out whether they are doing well. You can always pay them a visit when you missed them so much. The most distinct quality is, you can expect to hear their voice. You can hear their voice calling you, you can enjoy the comfort of having that person with you whenever you try to call out their name and get the answer right away.
How about death? Have you ever experienced it? It's cold and lonely. You know that person would never answer when you call out their name in the middle of the night. You won't hear that person calling your name or just talking to anyone. You missed his/her voice, you want to listen to every recorded tape that you made during their lifetime. Because you can expect to hear their voice here and there in the tape. Sometimes you missed calling them, and you just called their name although you're sitting alone facing the wall. You thought you're going crazy but just doing that gives you so much relief which always ended with a breakdown afterwards. It's somewhat unbearable, but you still have to.
This afternoon, Mama suddenly felt sick. Something in the chest. I was so afraid, and still am. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. Baba passed away, having the symptoms of pain in the chest to, or even close to heart problem. He went away when he was 53, and now Mama is going to be 56. I am so afraid. I don't want to lose another half of me. I know that I won't go nuts but it's natural human emotion. I...I hope Mama will stay healthy, for many-many years to come...
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